But let’s say you managed to overcome the resistance of society and your own body – and you decided to discover an open relationship for yourself (in other words, sex without any feelings, obligations and promises to each other). In the end, it is not in vain that we have evolved to homo sapiens for many millions of years – now we can curb biological impulses and do what is most convenient and pleasant for us. And at some point in life (and for someone – at any moment) it can be meaningless and merciless sex.
But it was not there! Men who from all angles and dating sites scream about how they dream of free relationships, they themselves sabotage them.
What prevents them (and therefore us) from enjoying sex without commitment? I have a few guesses based on my own experience and the stories of girlfriends.
Emotional unavailability of a woman
It would be naive to assume that all men who are looking for easy sex expect to meet at a convenient time for both and get mutual pleasure.
No, for many of them, the “deal” looks like this: he appears when he wants sex, and the rest of the time he behaves like an indifferent goat, and she waits for him at the window and suffers. Thus, in addition to orgasms, a man gets the opportunity to scratch his ego and take his partner under emotional control.
But what happens when a woman refuses to get involved? Breaking the template, resentment, lies, manipulation, blackmail … The result is the same: no burdensome and pleasant sex. And most likely no sex at all.
“I met a guy on Tinder. In the very first telephone conversation, when asked what he was looking for, he answered that he wanted a serious long-term relationship with the prospect of starting a family (building a house, having children and having a dog). I immediately answered him that I was not ready to “jump into the pool with my head” – I have experience of unsuccessful marriage, besides, I have not even been officially divorced yet. I told him that I was looking for a little fun adventure to have fun – and it probably wouldn’t suit him.
He immediately caught himself and said, well, okay, he also agrees to a frivolous adventure, let’s meet.
Met, had good sex. The guy is very nice, and even younger than me by 10 years.
We dated for about a month – and then it turns out that he fell in love with me! He began to offer a serious relationship again, with the move to him right now. I said, okay, if you are so inclined, then you can try – convince me that I need you.
And soon he began to “disappear”: he stopped writing and calling, refused meetings under the most ridiculous and ridiculous pretexts.
That is, as soon as he “got” the opportunity to build relationships, he immediately began to behave like a classic m *** k. As if I was sure that I would not go anywhere, I would endure being ignored and humbly wait for my dear one to call me to have sex. I did not try to understand the intricate male logic and quickly stopped this business, breaking with him.
“She just didn’t fall for you”
Often women choose men for easy sex with whom they would never meet. Let’s say he’s handsome and an athlete, she’s a Ph.D. There is still something to have sex about, but to communicate – alas, no.
This tactic is understandable and justified. For a woman, this “sex-only” option is safe: she initially chooses a person who does not suit her, which means that there is practically no risk of falling in love and breaking her heart.
Men, on the other hand, are infringed by such a position of a partner: how is it, she does not want me completely and completely? Although the guys themselves often do the same, saying that there is a certain category of women for sex, but there are those whom they would marry. So what they wanted – we just “mirror” their behavior!
But the fragile male ego is not always able to withstand this – and then the lover begins to sabotage an open relationship. Well, it’s worse for him – he won’t get anything at all, only because of wounded pride!
“I met a guy on the app, immediately clarified that I only need sex, without problems and relationships. Yes, and he did not hook me as a person, to be honest, no common interests and so on.
We met once, the sex was great. I had two orgasms, which has never happened before with any man! I discovered something new in sex, for which I am grateful to him.
Telling a friend about him, I described him as a “sex robot” and a “human vibrator.” He was really good, attentive and tireless.
But there was a catch: at the end of the first meeting, he suddenly began to say that he didn’t want to “just fuck”, “what about love”, and “he’s not like that.” That I’m so interesting that he wants to know me better…
I look at him in shock and don’t even know what to say. We just agreed to have sex! Everything was great, so why complicate it?
I explained to him that I agreed to meet with him from time to time when I was free, and nothing more. There was no question of a relationship – what kind of relationship could there be with a “human vibrator”? Talk about the weather with him, or what?
He started calling me, although I warned him not to call me at random. He began to insist that we meet right tomorrow, and not when it is convenient for me. I am tired of this. Unfortunately, I had to say goodbye to Mr. Great Sex, blocked him.
Desire to control the situation
Many men raised in a patriarchy feel like they should decide the fate of a relationship. They offer to start dating, they ask (or don’t ask) to get married or proclaim that they only want sex from you.
And it is assumed that any initiative to take the relationship to a more “serious” level will be received with enthusiasm by the woman. And then it suddenly turns out that she herself sets the rules of the game – and does not want further rapprochement (at least right now).
What is she looking at? Maybe she’s dating a few more? What if she chooses not him, but some other man (or no one at all)?
Well, no, it’s out of the way!
“My dance colleague invited me to his place after the New Year – to celebrate, to chat. In our environment, it’s normal to suddenly hang out like that, and the guy was interesting to me as a person, so I happily went.
We had a nice chat, and then suddenly there was a romantic atmosphere – and, accordingly, sex. I liked it, but I had no desire to enter into a relationship.
For some reason, after sex, he started talking about relationships, and very seriously – right up to moving in together. I refused to rush, offered to talk longer.
As a result, he began to “muddy the waters”: to be offended, to keep silent, to play silent. I got tired, and I independently transferred the relationship to the “sex-only” mode.
We met for another six months once a month on my initiative, only for sex. Each time he was gloomier and gloomier, accused me of feminism.
As a result, he once wrote that he couldn’t and there would be no more intimacy – only friendship. I didn’t want to be friends with him.”
They are all the same!
If you look closely at the reasons why men sabotage sex without commitment, you can see that they are all somewhat similar.
Namely, the fact that a man in such a relationship feels vulnerable. Many of them would like them to invest less than their partners, but it turns out at best equally, or even with a margin in their favor.
This does not suit them – and by “brain removal”, an attempt to “hire” relationships, to establish their own rules in them, a man tries to shift the scales in his favor. Take back control. Of course, due to the comfort of the partner.
How not to find yourself in such a relationship where instead of the convenience and pleasure of easy sex, you have to fight for power?
Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer. At the stage of talking about sex, many men agree on everything. In words, they are free-thinking, flexible and just want to have a good time, but in reality they can turn out to be stuffy and intrusive, load you with their complexes and fears. And this despite the fact that they do not even need a serious relationship!
So, in my opinion, the best lover is a self-sufficient, self-confident man. Perhaps dating several women (for example, polyamorous) – with this you will at least somehow protect yourself from a situation where there will be too much of him in your life. Or when he gives you an ultimatum: either a full relationship or nothing.
After all, why do you need such sex without obligations, after which you immediately owe something to someone?