How old are you?
The first: twenty nine.
Second: twenty three.
Third: twenty nine.
What is your current marital status?
All three: Lonely.
How often do you have sex?
The first: I don’t chase casual sex, so I haven’t slept with anyone since my last romance ended about a year ago. When we were together, we didn’t see each other very often, and we had sex once every two weeks or so.
Third: When I’m in a serious relationship, then sex happens at least once a day, but when I don’t have them, I don’t have sex.
How often do you masturbate?
The first: Now – once or twice a week, not as often as before. When I was a teenager, it was much more common. I realized pretty early on that I was the type of guy who wanted to sleep as soon as he came, so when I had insomnia, I masturbated. I can say it helped.
Second: A couple of times a week, usually right before bed.
Third: Maybe once a week or so.
In what percentage of cases are you able to experience an orgasm – with another person? With myself?
The first: I very rarely manage to experience an orgasm with another person: I would say, in 5-10 cases out of a hundred. My record for masturbation is higher, but even then it’s only 60-70 percent of the time, which is probably lower than most guys.
Second: With a partner, I can’t finish at all, and myself – in about 10% of cases.
Third: This happened less than 5% of the time, whether with someone or not.
How long have you had this problem?
The first: Everything was easy and intense until I was 18, and then it got harder and harder. By the age of 20, I was experiencing more or less the same thing that I am now with regard to masturbation. When I was about 25, I started having sex with women, but it was not easier for me to experience an orgasm with them either.
Second: It all started four years ago.
Third: Until puberty, that is, my entire sex life.
Do you know what could be causing this?
The first: I think the biggest factor was that I was a good Christian boy, for whom touching myself was something strange and scary, so I began to rub myself against the pillow. I think that’s how I accustomed my cock to rough and dry, without lubrication, touches.
Or maybe the antidepressants that I take are to blame, but they are given along with other pills to people who have had sexual problems.
Also, I was touched indecently by a family friend when I was a child, and this could also have an effect.
I know that many seemingly benevolent people simply fundamentally do not believe in the concept of psychotrauma, but in me even the shadow of those memories gives rise to a physical sensation, as if someone is walking around my room and spraying the perfume of an old lover everywhere.
Also, I think it may have contributed to my self-loathing when I started touching myself as a child. With my partner, I experience detachment and distance, which I often experience at similar moments. Sometimes I stop for a moment and can’t go back to where I just was.
Second: I am on heavy antidepressants for major depressive disorder and anxiety and one of the side effects is anorgasmia.
Third: This is a medical issue. At the age of 9, I had a problem with urination, and the doctor recommended a circumcision. This late circumcision seems to have affected me greatly because I now have a very insensitive penis.
What was it like when you first realized you weren’t having an orgasm?
The first: When I first started masturbating, the sensations were incredible and just wonderful. I just soared in seventh heaven.
And then one day, far from perfect, everything turned into a pathetic semblance of former sensations, but I didn’t really think about it. Everything gradually faded away. The first time I really noticed that I might have a real problem was when I hadn’t experienced the same great orgasms in weeks. There were moments when I was sure that I had an orgasm (all physiological signs pointed to this), but there were practically no necessary sensations. I mean, it’s called just cum, right? It’s like buying a bungee ticket, but not remembering the jump itself. It really bothered me, to be honest.
Second: I was in college at the time and noticed that masturbation took longer than usual, but I had never had an orgasm before, so I just kept trying and got more and more frustrated. I remember I had a lecture at one o’clock in the afternoon, and I thought that I would have time, but then suddenly I looked at my watch – it was 13:15. By the time I gave up it was 5:30 pm and I had missed all classes that day. One day I began to read about the side effects of my medications and saw anorgasmia on the list, and I understood everything.
Third: There was no “first time”. I have always been like this, and therefore I have nothing to compare. My partners continued to express disappointment that they couldn’t bring me to orgasm. I have a practically insensitive head, which is considered one of the most sensitive areas of the human body.
Have you tried somehow to solve the problem?
The first: Oh sure. I’ve reviewed all kinds of porn, but more arousal doesn’t necessarily lead to better results. Stimulation of the prostate at times enhances the sensations, but sometimes I feel like I’m just running from the problem, because the sensations do not arise in the penis. In a word, it is useful in some way, but the miracle did not happen. I would like to experience again what at 16.
Second: Not really. Everything is as it is, and I can live with it much easier than with my depression and anxiety when I’m not on medication. I am open to changing the situation in the future, but now I am happy and so.
Third: No, but I’m lucky that I’ve always been like that. I do not want to return what I once had, because there was never anything.
How has your peculiarity affected your personal life?
The first: It was a gradual decline, I lost my enthusiasm for the pursuit of sexual relations. Definitely, I had relationships that ended partly because of my difficult relationship with sex. I want to give my partners what they want and need, but I get the feeling that since I can’t do it right, I’m stealing nights from those who make love right.
So, in a broad sense, I think that I psychologically wind myself up and set a higher standard for myself than my partners. I was told that it was normal that I could not experience an orgasm, but I knew that this was not normal for her. I knew it was her problem, not mine, but you can’t help it with your head. I don’t think anyone dreams of experiencing the kind of experience that usually happens to me. And yet I like to wallow with someone naked and play pranks, even if this does not lead to any relaxation.
Second: I’ve never been a fan of casual sex since the beginning, but now I’m basically not interested in it, and this is not a priority for me in terms of what I’m looking for in a romantic partner.
Third: I don’t think it had a drastic effect. Naturally, many express frustration with the sexual response they receive from a partner. The hardest part is when my idiosyncrasy leads my exes to question if they really attracted me. It’s frustrating and painful because you end up in a situation where both parties can feel insecure about themselves.
Do you tell your partners that you can’t have an orgasm? At what stage do you tell them this?
The first: When it becomes clear that we are going to start stripping, I try to prep her a bit. The trick is not to turn it into a big problem, but rather to say, as if in passing: “You know, sometimes it’s hard for me to come, never mind, this happens.” Because right now I’m thinking about the fact that the woman is going to worry like it’s her fault.
Second: Of course, I don’t go around with such slogans, but at some point during sex I can say something like: “I probably won’t succeed, so don’t worry about me.” I’ve faked an orgasm and I’m not particularly proud of it, but sometimes you have to lie to make someone feel better.
Third: As a rule, I talk about it in advance if the relationship goes to sex, but in reality it is not so important.
How do they usually react?
The first: Women usually treat with great understanding and support. Some thought, “Well, I’m good enough to solve this problem.” And it was embarrassing that they did not succeed. But no one ever got up and left after hearing this. And then, they usually seem satisfied, although they sometimes worry about me. I tell them that everything is in order, and it’s not about them. If I could finish in principle, I would certainly have experienced an orgasm in their arms.
Second: Everyone I’ve been with has been pretty understanding. Maybe because I pay a lot of attention to their needs.
Third: Everyone reacts differently. Some are understanding, some are distrustful, some think they can “change” you and make you cum, and others see it as a natural part of your personality.
Do you feel like you’re trying harder to please your partners in bed than men who can orgasm?
The first: I’m not sure if I’m really more diligent than men who do not have violations in this area, but personally I love to give and receive oral sex. It’s so hot it’s dizzying. You might argue that most of my sexual experiences are foreplay, but I really enjoy it.
Second: I don’t know, as I don’t have any examples to compare, but I definitely try to be as attentive as possible to my partner’s wishes. I can try to guess that I probably spend more time giving oral sex than the average man, and certainly much less time getting it.
Third: I dont know. I enjoy giving pleasure to someone else, and my lack of feeling allows me to focus on what someone else is feeling. For me, nothing compares to the feeling that you make someone happy and find out from the other person what he likes.
Do you think one day you will be able to have a regular orgasm again? How would you feel if things never work out?
The first: I would like to return this ability. It would greatly improve my personal life. But if not, I’ll get through it.
Second: I don’t plan on being on these pills for the rest of my life, so I think things will get better. But to be honest, I don’t think I would care too much if things stay the way they are because I don’t plan on having children and I don’t feel like my sex life is significantly worse than if I could orgasm normally.
Third: I highly doubt it.
What would you like to know about this problem in advance?
The first: That it certainly won’t affect your ability to have sex to the extent that you would expect. That sexual attraction isn’t necessarily broad, juicy strokes, but rather the subtleties of living with a certain person. Sex is pretty ridiculous and great even without the gooey stuff that most people produce at the end.
Second: I would like to know that I have this problem and why I have it. I struggled for a couple of weeks to understand what was going on.
Third: I don’t think that everything about me was known in advance. Everyone’s sex life develops through trial and error, and as long as this serious path is overcome by mutual agreement with partners, I think this is an excellent lesson in how to overcome difficulties along the way.
What do you think are the wildest misconceptions about men who don’t have orgasms?
The first: A man who does not have an orgasm is, in some respects, rather feminine.
Second: That they are less “masculine” and don’t enjoy sex/porn/whatever, and that they have impotence and can’t please women.
Third: You are constantly told that you are just doing it wrong, or that they will show you how to do it, or bring you to orgasm. You keep being told that your sexual experience is somehow “wrong”. I get a lot of pleasure from sex, and I have had beautiful and loving partners to whom I will forever be grateful; I just don’t get to experience one of the components of it all.
I am still attracted to someone, I am still overwhelmed by the same physical desires, and I still strive to give and enjoy sex.
What advice would you give to other men who don’t have orgasms?
The first: I would like to try to convince them to abandon the traditional concepts of sexual intercourse, because if you think that satisfying yourself is the goal, then you will not get much pleasure from sex, but if the goal is to satisfy your partner, then no one and nothing will stop you from this do. Perhaps all men should understand this. Spiritual people know that good sex can be done without using the genitals at all. If you, as a man, understand this, then what you can and cannot do will cease to be important at all. You might miss the fireworks, but the fun isn’t in it.
Second: There is so much more to the human personality than just sexuality, than what comes out of your penis. Don’t let this little thing bring you down.
Third: It’s like in any matter related to sex: be frank with yourself and with the people it concerns. There is little else you can do: sincerity will always be the most important form of emotional relief.