It would seem that one of the greatest advantages of a permanent relationship: you are with someone you trust and with whom you are not afraid to embark on an exploration of the unknown, right? Who knows better than a beloved spouse where we have a button?
If you are together only for one night, you do not know where the boundaries are acceptable for your partner, you do not know the secrets of his favorite ways of enjoying.
But, by virtue of his profession, talking to thousands of men and women every year, Matthew was surprised to find that for a huge number of married couples, just the opposite is true.
Longtime partners know less and less about each other sexually. Moreover, if tomorrow they part and spend the night with random people, then most likely they will redo more of what they have always dreamed of during the night than in recent years with the person they love. A study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality confirms this: “The longer our romantic relationships last, the less we tend to take risks and try new things in bed.”
Why is this happening? It is psychologically easier for us to confess our exotic desires and try out new models of sexual behavior to a random partner for one night. In a serious relationship, we are embarrassed, afraid of hurting our wife or husband (“So you haven’t been happy all this time?”) or that we will be judged (“What? You want to use sex toys? Are you a pervert?”).
And what do we get as a result? Couples who lick their lips at porn films that show various deviations or erotic literature, but continue to have routine sex with their spouse.
Maybe it’s not about you. Perhaps you are one of those lucky ones who are free from bed complexes. If so, keep swinging on the chandeliers and dripping melted wax onto each other’s bodies. But even if you feel that you have sexual harmony, it is worth asking yourself: “Maybe my partner would like to try something that I still don’t know about?” After all, the more satisfied your loved one feels, the more satisfied they will be with the relationship in general.
If we want our relationships to be and remain meaningful, we need a culture of openness, which allows us to ask our significant other about their intimate desires and encourage them to do the same.
Matthew gives the example of his girlfriend, who asked it like this: “Tell me what else I could do to turn you on? Tell me what you’re willing to try, even if it’s weird? I want us to enjoy exploring each other’s fantasies.”. “Thanks to this, I was free to show my true self,” he admits.
Talking openly about sex is not the only way to diversify it. By making bold sexual moves, you can encourage your partner to decide to do the same. You can appear before him in a wig that completely changes your appearance. Or hint that you are not averse to dropping into a sex shop with him (maybe you will come across something that both of you have long wanted to try, but were embarrassed to say?). All this will show that you are open to experimentation.
Understanding can grow out of a joke, out of a half hint. For example, you’re out and about, and he jokingly spanks your ass, and you whisper to him that it turns you on, and you don’t mind if he somehow spanks you harder. Or you’re watching a movie together, and on some hot stage, one of you says, “Wow, this turns me on. I would like to try it.”
When we begin to perceive our own partner as the best candidate for the realization of all our secret sexual desires, then the myth that entering into a monogamous relationship means saying goodbye to the sex of our dreams will melt like a morning mist.