The research cited by the author of the column about bad sex is depressing: women believe that sex was good, if at least it was not painful. Men – if they, at least, got an orgasm (but it is better that the partner was a “hot thing”, not a “log” and performed acrobatic studies in bed in the name of his satisfaction).

I thought – what does the phrase “good sex” mean to me? I refuse to accept the option about the absence of pain as a starting point, because this PRESENCE of pain should become NOT the norm and a reason to immediately stop sex. But the male version of “good sex” does not suit me, to put it mildly.

So what are you, a source of unearthly pleasure?

It just so happens that in recent months my sexual activity tends to zero. The forced lull became an occasion to think: how do I want to see my next partner and sex with him? What in my past experience upset me so much that I would not want a repeat of this?

I began to analyze the behavior of my former lovers, my feelings in contact with them – and I understood why my libido by 2018 had dropped a little below the baseboard. It turns out that I had good sex – count on the fingers (if it was at all!)

Therefore, before returning to the world of big sex, I decided to make a list of what attracts me to this activity – according to this checklist, I plan to weed out applicants for my hand and vagina, and also evaluate those who did make it to fourth base.

And no, it doesn’t include the traditional items like “partner has a strong erection,” “willingness to cunnilingus,” and “I have an orgasm.” Although this is certainly also important, it turned out that for me all this is secondary.

1. My partner and I really want each other.

And when I say this, I mean WANT. I want to touch my partner, stroke him, kiss him on the neck, smell him. It fires up half a turn in response to my attraction, as I do (assuming the time and place is right and everyone feels good, of course).

Once I really liked a guy, almost at first sight. I quickly appreciated his appearance, mind and wanted him. We met, drank alcoholic drinks for a long time and smoked a hookah, I gradually moved closer and, as it were, “accidentally” touched his shoulder …

In general, omitting the details, I will say that we did have sex. But at that moment, when my hands and knees were already shaking with excitement, my partner seemed to be weighing in his mind – to sleep with her or not to sleep? As a result, one might say, he gave in under my pressure, but everything went completely unsatisfactory (I had an orgasm, but this is not at all about that).

Sex out of courtesy, pity, scheduled sex is not what I would like. Only strong mutual desire, only hardcore.

2. We can talk to each other about sex (and more)

For example, I do not like cunnilingus. No, it’s not that I don’t like this sexual practice in principle – it’s just that most of my partners did it SO that it would be better not to. And I was not too comfortable discussing my feelings, giving detailed instructions, directing – it was easier to give up this type of sex altogether.

I repeat the banality, but – we are all very different, with different bodies, genitals, sensitivity in them. What one woman likes may categorically “not go” to another. Therefore, the ability to discuss your preferences in detail (before sex and during the process), correct your partner without fear that he will get angry / upset / quit this business at all – an integral part of good sex.

And in order to discuss sex, it is better to first practice your oral (in the sense, conversational) skills with a partner outside the bed: discuss childhood, your feelings, reflections, principles and goals. Already at this stage, you will be able to understand how a potential lover is negotiable and ready to talk about difficult things, listen to you, ask again and clarify important points.

3. I can say “no” and stop sex at any time.

In my life, there have been situations more than once when I started and continued to have sex despite my reluctance. I was scared that if I say “no” during the process of foreplay or, in fact, sexual intercourse, and the partner ignores this, then sex by mutual agreement will turn into real rape. And so – well, I will suffer a little, what is difficult for me?

Yes, it’s difficult. Once, after such a “tolerate”, I cried for about half an hour in the bathroom, and a crack formed in my relationship with my partner (which deepened until we broke up a few months later).

Forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t feel like it is real violence, only against yourself. Perhaps the partner is not against stopping when you ask – but for this you need to express your (un) desire with words through your mouth. It certainly requires basic trust.

Otherwise, sex will turn into Russian roulette for you: either you will “start and finish” with pleasure and enthusiasm, or you will have to endure until it ends. And over time, keeping the second option in mind, you will not want to deal with it in principle. In short, nothing to do with good sex!

4. Sex does not end with the partner’s orgasm (and in general, the timing of sex does not depend on orgasm)

Often during sex, especially during penis-vaginal intercourse between a man and a woman, it is understood that everything ends with an orgasm of one of the partners. And this “one of the partners”, as you understand, is male.

Well, what if there is no more erection, what is there to do next?

You will be surprised, men: most women (I think almost all) do not need your penis to enjoy. Often, even penetration into the vagina is not required – it is enough to stimulate the outer part of the clitoris with your hands or tongue.

In general, you can end sex after an orgasm of one woman, her partner, both or no one. The main thing is to talk about it and honestly discuss when you are tired / want to take a break / lie down and cuddle. If the partner at the same time really wants to finish, you can masturbate – in the presence of a second person or in solitude.

5. Orgasm is not an end in itself

Again, this is surprising to many men, but orgasm is not the only or even the main goal of having sex. I can achieve relaxation in five minutes with a sex toy, and I bring a partner to my bed for another.

It would be nice to talk before sex about how important it is for each of the partners to finish (in principle, and during the act itself, with the participation of the second person). It may turn out that it is not necessary to “squeeze” sex out of yourself until the partner experiences an orgasm.

Most often, men face such a problem, holding back ejaculation in the name of an orgasm of a partner (which, perhaps, she will never achieve or is not ready to achieve today). But I, for example, had situations when I endured a protracted act due to the fact that my partner did not finish for a long time – and then I also felt guilty that something was wrong with me and that I did not enjoy the process .

But everything is so simple – you just need to ask how important an orgasm is to a partner (and in what alternative ways, in which case, he can achieve it). Good sex is not (only and not so much) about orgasm.

6. Partner feels my body (and vice versa)

Yes, I already wrote that it is better to discuss everything with words through the mouth. But non-verbal cues are also very important. In the end, sometimes during sex you want to be silent – constant chatter distracts from the process and sensations!

Well, maybe you are not yet all right with point two and you have not yet learned how to talk about sex – this is where non-verbalism will help you out.

It’s funny, but the only partner of mine who noticed that I did not enjoy cunnilingus was gay (well, obviously bisexual, but with an obvious bias towards men). This confirms that women are not mysterious and incomprehensible creatures from another planet, and a person of any gender and orientation can feel and understand the reactions of their body.

And vice versa, of course, is also true.

It would be a wish! And the desire to feel a partner stems from the first point – a strong desire for (good) sex, love and attention to the human body, as well as developed empathy (if you or your partner lack it, it’s never too late to pump).

7. Not all caresses are about sex.

Does it infuriate you too that any stroking of the shoulder, and even more so of the buttocks or chest, is a hint of sex?

I want to have space in my sex life for caresses that lead nowhere. Just as sexual intercourse is valuable in itself, regardless of orgasm, caresses are quite a valuable thing in themselves.

I often say that I do not like foreplay – but this is not entirely true. I don’t like her automatism and purposefulness: I kissed her neck, grabbed her chest a couple of times (by the way, I definitely don’t like this – but if I don’t say it myself, no one will ask or notice), and it’s time to move on “to the point” .

That is why I love caresses after the end of intercourse – they are needed for the sake of the process itself and can continue as long as both of you are pleased.

There will be good caresses without a hint of sex – there will be good sex. True, another time (although, who knows, maybe I’ll get so turned on as this one).

In the famous film by Lars von Trier “Nymphomaniac”, the main character gives out the phrase “the secret ingredient of sex is love” as a revelation. They say that both critics and loyal fans of the director scolded him for such a banality.

I also disagree with von Trier, not only because it is hackneyed and vulgar, but also because it is not true. One love and even hot passion is not enough.

I want to be heard, taken into account, not forced or persuaded to have sex. I want to feel trust, security, partner’s interest in my condition and pleasure. I want to continue sex as long as I want to continue (both of us) and stop when I want to stop (at least one of us). I want sex to be not only about orgasms, and in general – not only about sex.

Well, I have to admit that I have not had such sex yet (and the closest thing to it was that same one night stand with a gay friend). But I hope I have many more wonderful discoveries ahead of me!