At the beginning of the relationship, you didn’t get out of bed. But months, or even years, have passed, and sex has ceased to take up so much space in your life. This is normal: the hormones that actively pushed you into each other’s arms are no longer so raging. But this does not mean that the sexual relationship between you should decline until it remains a memory at all.
Some people think: “Of course, we have less and less sex – we’ve been together for so long.” But this is a big mistake. “Most men in their 20s and 40s have a strong libido, – says the doctor Debbie Magidz. — So if he has lost his sex drive, it’s a symptom that something has gone wrong either in his life or in your relationship.”.
Here are five common enemies of attraction, ranked from least fearsome to most vicious. Start with the first one and break them one by one.
1. He’s stressed
Of course, he is not up to sex if he is exhausted to the limit or is constantly worried about something – for example, he has an unbearable workload or family troubles.
What to do: pretend not to notice how negatively his stress affects your sex life. If you add to all his difficulties and your dissatisfaction with his success in bed, this will only aggravate the situation. “Treat him with understanding and care. When he returns from work, give him a massage, turn on relaxing music,” the doctor suggests Joy Davidson, sex therapist. If a man relaxes and calms down, he will again be able to remember that next to him is a desired woman.
2. He’s mad at you
Not everyone will tear and throw if angry. Some retaliate by quietly withdrawing – and this can turn into sexual abstinence.
“Anger is the killer of intimacy” recalls Davidson.
What to do: Of course, if you’ve made a big mistake, you know what’s going on. But sometimes we don’t even understand why they pout at us. Who knew that your harmless joke about him seemed offensive to him to death?
If you haven’t done too much of a fault, it might be helpful to stroke his ego a little. Give him a compliment, flirt with him, let him know how important he is to you. Perhaps he will thaw.
3. He was afraid of responsibility
Maybe you discussed whether it’s time to start living together, or just started talking about a joint future. Thinking about it can scare even the most dedicated guys. “For a man, the connection with you is built on sex, Davidson explains. — So when it comes time to decide something, he can start to slip sexually to give himself time to think.
What to do: put aside any serious talk about the obligations he will have to take on – about marriage, about children. If you push, he will panic even more. For the good of the cause, make sure that he can hear you from the next room when you tell your friend on the phone that you are not in a hurry to get married. Let the alarm bells stop sounding in his head, and he will remember that you are still the same cool girl that he once dreamed of dating, so it’s time to get closer again.
4. He’s not sure if he’s good in bed
If, after a couple of extra drinks, his fighter let him down, or a man sees that he does not satisfy you, his self-confidence can suffer for a long time. “Sex is what makes a guy feel like a man, so after a series of failures, he may stop even trying, for fear of new failures,” Madjid says.
What to do: If he’s acting normal until it comes to sex, maybe that’s the case. “Don’t tell him he’s not the same anymore the doctor warns Patricia Cowalt, psychotherapist, relationship specialist. — Better mention something he did to you in bed that turns you on.” The stimulation of his ego is also the stimulation of his libido.
5. He wants to break up
Sad but true. At the same time, if a man wants to leave, he first begins an emotional retreat, and only then physically withdraws. So there is time to notice.
What to do: If you have ruled out all other possibilities, then you will have to call him for a conversation. “Most men don’t want to be seen as scum, and if they’re planning on leaving you, they’ll first send signals – such as not having sex – to get you to start talking about it yourself.” Madjid says. Tell him that you’ve noticed how things have changed between you two. Ask him what he sees as the reason. Before you bring this topic up, prepare for a possible breakup. Arrange in advance to meet with your friends the day after you plan to talk to him. No matter how it turns out, you’ll need someone to talk to.
3 Failed Tricks: These pseudo-excuses usually turn out to be absolute bullshit.
- “I have a big day at work tomorrow and I need to rest.” An orgasm clears the mind and helps him fall asleep—so sex won’t stop him from focusing on work tomorrow.
- “Let’s wait until the weekend when we have more time.” Very few men consciously choose the right day for sex, and even fewer would refuse to do it in a quick way right now. Something is wrong here.
- “I’m sorry, honey – my head hurts.” A woman’s joke trick is sometimes used by men. An upset stomach is a reason to do without sex today. But a migraine is just a cliché for refusal.